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#tBt- Awkward Warning Signs of the 90’s

Nature? Nurture? Gluten? Video Games? Breastfeed? Vaccines? My current Facebook Newsfeed is full of young mothers telling their online world which is right, asking others what is wrong, then outlets, like Huffington Post fill any gaps via Blogs, disguised as news….

mommy blogger, newsfeed, blowing up, experts, overprotective, children, babiesApparently, I’m now at an age where peers find it offensive to imply there is comparable cuteness between Winston Churchill-looking white babies & my little dog/one-eyed cat.

Note- weekly preggers updates are NOT cute. My age aside, it’s become obvious that technology has given the common parent too much information on how to raise offspring.

Luckily, going through old home videos lead me to one fact- Kids are weirdnap, little girl, children, go home, wasted

That being said, I’ve decided to write the rest of this article in the style of a Mommy-Blog….

Allow me to show you a few images & videos that will highlight awkward character warning signs. If only my parents had caught these in time, could possibly be a slightly different woman today.

Exhibit A- Super 90’s Troll Girl & her Super Southern Star Wars Nerd Brother

Red Flags:

* STFU about the Troll! And those “horse” noises were creepy- split personalities? nonhuman values?

* Older sibling’s pronunciation of “The EMM-PAR’ Straks BACK should not be how YOUR child pronounce ANY title EVER- speech therapy?

* Babs & Buster Bunny + Troll + Cabbage Patch Horse + Consistent, Individual Sound Effects for Each = Arrested Development circa 1992?

*** WHY IS EVERYONE NOT FREAKING OUT ABOUT THE TINY KITTY!?

Exhibit B- Bubble Girl

Red Flags:

* Bubble Girl finds blowing bubbles with English Bulldog more appealing than with human sibling Obvious precursor to Disliking most People!

* Little Brother seems sweet & wants to learn about bubbles; however the dog partakes in strange tribalesque Bubble Dance the girl has made up- Possible Space Cadet Personality Traits? Borderline demonic possession?

Exhibit C- Goat Girl

Red Flags: 

* Seriously, why does little Liz want to hug those goats so badly!? This could be any number of issues…

* Family friend talks about Goat Girl as she continues trying to seduce friendship from livestock with zero reaction from parents and/or nearby children- reasoning tells us this has happened before (no bueno)….

Exhibit D- Lone Tricycle Ranger

Red Flags:

* It’s Xmas and little Liz attempts off-roading, on her new tricycle, in the snow- Basic Physics? Holiday Joy?

* Younger sibling could give 2 f*cks about anyone/thing, except kitten- Animal abuser potential? Will this boy be a serial killer if nobody intervenes? 

* Post accident, Girl acts as if wiping out painfully is nbd, then appears to forget which part of her body was hurt- Missing nerve endings? Adrenaline junkie? Accident prone Insurance issues to come?

Exhibit E- Tiny Dancer (where’s your rhythm?) 

Red Flags:

* The young, Fabulously Awkward Girl, has no idea what she’s doing, even after months of practice-WARNING: This is most likely a 2-left-feet situation & requires IMMEDIATE attention from a professional. 

BELIEVERS THAT CHILDREN ARE OUR FUTURE: study these videos so you’ll know a few of the traits that could possibly result in adult abnormalities, such as Chronic-Bitch-Face, Sarcasm, “Most of the Population isn’t Bright” Attitude, Awkwardness, ETC.

598781_10151282299897890_1249341670_n

Goat Girl made Goat Friends after all…what a freak.

Summary- my childhood was the AMAZING, partly because of the 2 hilarious boy siblings featured, & am just a stereotypically over-imaginative middle child, who grew up to be a hilarious Blogger

ALSO- PEOPLE WITH CHILD[ren]: STOP POSTING SONOGRAMS, URINE SAMPLE PREGNANCY TESTS, & HOURLY UPDATES ON SOCIAL MEDIA. Thankssssss- xx

wtf Wednesday- what kind of blog is this?

keywords, search engine, weird, random, google, wtf, wednesday, funnyToday I was doing a bit of keyword research when I came across the Fabulously Awkward Girl daily stats….what, might you ask, is the most frequently search engine term that lead people to this site? Why, “BIG BLACK MONSTER BOOTY,” of course!

 Mind you, only 3 total search terms have been used today, but STILL!

Of course, further research was then required, in the name of writing & below are the top search term used since the beginning of time (for this site):

random, funny, humor, birthday cards, african american, surprise, blog, awkwardPray signs!? Shoe shelf!? Young white girl ass!? Friendly person text!? Based on this list, I have no idea what kind of blog I’ve ended up with here, but I think it’s living up to the Awkward title.

search, terms, humor, random, results

Summary- Don’t know how you found this blog, but it makes me happy that so many weird Google searches have resulted in a chunk of my audience

Hot Yoga = Hot Mess

Yoga is a practice that demands all of your grace, balance, and coordination work together as one glorious machine. HA!

I’m not trying to be cute. Sure, Jennifer Lawrence can get away with falling at the Oscars while still being adorable- duh! I cannot. Anyone who has spent more than an hour with me can tell you that I rarely walk without ending up with a bruise somewhere.

Anyways, today, after spending some time getting back in “Namaste shape,” I had the courage to rejoin a class that had defeated me back in May…. It was hot, but I was hydrated. The class was long, but I had stretched. Every other person in the class was 40+, and I STILL got my ass, breath, and brain handed to me (see below).

workout, gym, selfie, sunglasses, awkward

If you look closely you can see that every inch of me is soaking wet with sweat, toxins, and who knows what else…

So, if you’re feeling down on yourself today, Bookmark this post and refer back as needed.

Summary- Breathing, stretching, and balancing at the same time can be tricky. 

UPDATE!!! Who is Fabulously Awkward Girl?

My name is Liz and this post accurately answers the age-old question……

WHO IS LIZ?

ELouise’s Little Studio in the Big Green House- Pt. 1

Preface

Please forgive the lack of proofreading currently displayed on this post. It should be remedied with my typical, anal vocabulary and excessive punctuation soon.

victorian home, design inspiration, funny, humor, styleCHAPTER 1 PART 1

You may be surprised to know that, on top of being he assistant to a well-known NYC interior designer for several months, I really love putting together an apartment design from time-to-time (usually change cities every 2-3 years, so that’s my current project frequency).

First and foremost, you should know that nothing depresses me more than spending night after night somewhere with nothing on the walls. It’s like a person without a soul. Blank feels like an institution and if I wanted to live in a prison, I’d make a false confession to something horrible.

Here’s an overview of the most significant homes over the last 5 years….

  Little Rock, AR- Block 2 Apartment in The RiverMarket– 600 sq ft- neighborhood was LR’s main bar strip, work was 4 blocks away, concrete floors (very helpful for baby Schubert’s training) HUGE windows
studio apartment design inspiration
New York City Room- 10ft x 12ft (ish)- shared apartment with 2 male roommates who both had girlfriends, 5th floor, Harlem, subway ride to anywhere I could ever want to go, lived with awesome people 
NYC, apartment, small space, design inspiration, funny
  Bali Room- 6ft x 10ft- shared bamboo bunk beds with 3 roommates, toilet/shower room attached, hot as hell, but I was IN BALI with the most amazing, beautiful people EVER
travel, bali, volunteer, funny, design inspiration

Upon making the move to Denver this past April, it had been 7 months since I went from gypsy-ish young woman to full on gypsy whore (homeless, anyways) living out of a backpack; almost 3 years since I actually had ALL of my artwork and furniture (my NYC space could not fit more than 1/10 of my collection). Thoughts on where my new home would be occurred daily.

backpacker, travel, world, sneaker wedges, thumbs, funny

Damn, I really did go Sinead O’connor last fall….my only constant for 8 months is in that pack.

Jackelope, funny, design, photoshop, random, humorExactly 1 week after arriving, I signed a lease on a studio apartment in a lovely Victorian home!

Awesome Details about my New Place:

– exactly 1 block from City Park

– has a double lot, fenced in backyard

– was one of the first Denver farm houses; built in the late 1800’s, so Fabulously Awkward Girl’s weird moment quota with ghosts

– is an empty canvas

This little treasure has an odd layout, so I’m ready to get creative and turn it into a “Liz Space. Ideally, visitors will think to themselves, “Oh, I get what she’s all about…” But, it all starts with empty walls…

apartment, design, project, funny

 And a radiator on the ceiling….?

studio apartment design ideas

Between google image search and the before mentioned art collection, I’m going to make this place into a Pinterest worthy home!

 

CHAPTER 2 PART 1

Friends, I lived 5 weeks with only my newly aquired bed, someone else’s lovesac, and EMPTY WHITE WALLS. It was the worst kind of limbo. A punishment from the backpacker gods for returning to life with a home base again.

Thank god, a dear, life long friend Kevan Beth got married (because it was the happiest day of her life)…

best friends, weddings, bridal luncheon, life long friends
All of the Batesville Bully girls and our moms (minus PP)

It was when Bridesmaid call of duty ended that the trip became Mission Rent Car, Load Life, Then Drive Nonstop from Arkansas to Colorado in 72hrs.

Lucky for me, darling Laurenzo flew down from the NYC area to help me. bff, engineer, silly, nerd alert

sidenote- Lauren is the yin to my yang…lack of depth perception, anxious tendencies, and wedding weekend hangover stood no chance against her powers (thanks again Mrs. Shulzini!).
 
First, we went to my “storage unit” which is actually just brother’s guest house.

design, style, furniture, inspiration, studio apartment clutter, moving, design inspiration iNext, we picked out what could come and what had to stay, rented the small town’s only rental car company’s only giant suburban gangster-mobile (complete with tinted windows and questionable sound system), shoved more shit in that thing than anyone would think possible (Seriously, Laurenzo is the real-life Tetris queen), and headed west. i

Of course, it’s still in process, but here are a couple of the completed areas…

Vintage, Rooster, Kitchen, Design, Inspiration

Obviously, it’s got a long way to go. Plus, my Mum still needs to come out here soon to bring the items we ran out of space for, along with any forgotten soldiers (I forgot an embarrassing amount).

Stay tuned for more, as I continue this eclectic design inspiration series!

Vintage Wall Art, Design inspiration

photography, vintage, collage

Summary- I’m taking advantage of any extra free time in Denver

 

Feliz Cinco De Mayo!

 

I’ve had 26 years on this earth and, in that time, have learned to really love and appreciate Mexico. I hope that on today, the 5th of May, you take a moment to be thankful for our southern neighbors and be proud of the heritage that has become a significant part of American culture. Below are some examples of me enjoying a little bit of Mexico….

Halloween, Mexico, Day of the Dead, Mask

Here I am on Halloween 2007. I believe that this costume was referred to as “Dame of the Dead” which was obviously influenced by Mexico’s Day of the Dead celebration.

Beach, Summer, Isla Mujeres, Tan, Laying out, Sunshine, Summer

Ah yes, just look at that fabulously awkward sunbathing girl. I spent a week on the beautiful beaches of Isla Mujeres a couple of years ago, when my friend Andre and I took that trip to celebrate being single on Valentines Day. I ended up meeting a really good-looking Italian guy who, despite not being able to speak each others’ language, was my all time favorite VD date. Only in such a magical place could that have happened.

Cancun, Mexico, Senior Trip, Spring Break, 2005, high school, graduation tripHere we have a vintage-Liz photograph from 2005, the year I graduated from high school. My friends and I took a trip to Cancun to celebrate our new-found freedom and last summer together before we all scattered across the country to our various colleges of choice. My friend Allison is the blonde in this image and we both still talk about how random, weird, fun, and wonderful this trip was for everyone…and how we both thought we were sooooo fat at that time. Idiots.

Summary- Mexico is fun

How did I get Here?

Blogging is not my first experiment with the unknown. In 2011 I tested my stash-theory and was correct- it is a clever disguise.

Preface:  The following article is written in “Dear Diary” format. Much of the below history will be referenced and/or added to in upcoming posts. I know there are a lot of ignorant F*cks out there who assume if a person is from the southern region of the continental US, then they are both uncultured and dumb. Allow me clarify- I am not dumb and I am, in fact, more cultured than you ( I have no idea who you are or how to measure the level of culture an anonymous reader has absorbed ).

Just in case someone who isn’t my mom actually reads this, I thought it only fair that I explain myself. My name is Liz  and I’m a 25-year-old currently going through a self-diagnosed quarter life crisis (QLC) while living a New York City cliché.

To elaborate I was born and raised in a small town in Arkansas, went to school at a small, Liberal Arts school in Missouri, landed a fantastic first post-college job in Little Rock (AR), then became painfully bored and decided to move to The Big Apple and make my dreams come true. Now I’m living in a small apartment  in Harlem with 2 roommates and my dog. I worked my ass off as a marketing intern for a Devil-esk woman for the first 4 months I lived here, then landed every girl’s dream job….an unemployed NYC resident.

At first, this was an amazing position because my internship did not allow for me to see this great city during daytime hours, minus the occasional sprint across town for errands. So, I took on multiple projects like visiting museums, exploring Central Park,  and dating an awesome guy whose awkwardness somehow surpassed mine. [Note- I highly recommend CT gentlemen if  you want to dabble in dating New England boys, but the “typical” east coast “brah” scares you]. To make things even more enjoyable, the before mentioned young man became the ideal weekend adventure partner. So, many a weekend was spent hiking, beaching, and visiting various, nearby regions. During this time I was also researching jobs, submitting resumes, and interviewing.  It was a fantastic way to spend my first summer in the city.

Sadly, this lifestyle has not stood the test of time and the call of society demanding me to contribute has become a constant siren in my ear. This never-ending alarm, mixed with high levels of internal energy, and shaken with the growing anxiety fed by months applying, interviewing, and waiting caused state of panic which turned into a QLC. If this is not remedied soon, a monster will appear where a young woman once did.

{unsure exactly when the light call became a tornado…excuse me…hurricane siren but I’m going to say Labor Day Weekend is an appropriate place to draw the line of when I realized I was in full-blown QLC mode}

 Anyways, that brings me to today. Two days after Labor Day, summer has ended, and I’m trying to accept that my perfect life as an infatuated, city exploring bum is coming to an end. I’m experimenting with this blog as a way to keep my creativity sharp and as a QLC treatment option.

This is my neutral face and a big part of my perceived awkwardness. Assuming I’m upset, people approach defensively OR overly cheerful. Caught off guard, I react with delay or confusion.

Being a super awkward, white girl living in the colorful streets of Harlem has been a constant entertainment and learning experience. Fully knowing the city is impossible for anyone because it’s in constant motion so it’s nice to have a neighborhood. [Note- People really should be better informed on NYC’s distinct personality and really sick sense of humor].  Aside from personifying the concrete jungle, I plan for my posts to be organized passages chronicling my humorous, ungraceful, and interesting day-to-day life. In other words, there will be a lot of rambling about encounters, thoughts, pictures, current events, discoveries, anything else that can be tied back to my awkwardly fabulous life.

Post Summary: I’m tired of group texting/emailing friends about my entertaining situations so this blog will take that inconvenience off my list. 

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