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#tBt- Awkward Warning Signs of the 90’s

Nature? Nurture? Gluten? Video Games? Breastfeed? Vaccines? My current Facebook Newsfeed is full of young mothers telling their online world which is right, asking others what is wrong, then outlets, like Huffington Post fill any gaps via Blogs, disguised as news….

mommy blogger, newsfeed, blowing up, experts, overprotective, children, babiesApparently, I’m now at an age where peers find it offensive to imply there is comparable cuteness between Winston Churchill-looking white babies & my little dog/one-eyed cat.

Note- weekly preggers updates are NOT cute. My age aside, it’s become obvious that technology has given the common parent too much information on how to raise offspring.

Luckily, going through old home videos lead me to one fact- Kids are weirdnap, little girl, children, go home, wasted

That being said, I’ve decided to write the rest of this article in the style of a Mommy-Blog….

Allow me to show you a few images & videos that will highlight awkward character warning signs. If only my parents had caught these in time, could possibly be a slightly different woman today.

Exhibit A- Super 90’s Troll Girl & her Super Southern Star Wars Nerd Brother

Red Flags:

* STFU about the Troll! And those “horse” noises were creepy- split personalities? nonhuman values?

* Older sibling’s pronunciation of “The EMM-PAR’ Straks BACK should not be how YOUR child pronounce ANY title EVER- speech therapy?

* Babs & Buster Bunny + Troll + Cabbage Patch Horse + Consistent, Individual Sound Effects for Each = Arrested Development circa 1992?

*** WHY IS EVERYONE NOT FREAKING OUT ABOUT THE TINY KITTY!?

Exhibit B- Bubble Girl

Red Flags:

* Bubble Girl finds blowing bubbles with English Bulldog more appealing than with human sibling Obvious precursor to Disliking most People!

* Little Brother seems sweet & wants to learn about bubbles; however the dog partakes in strange tribalesque Bubble Dance the girl has made up- Possible Space Cadet Personality Traits? Borderline demonic possession?

Exhibit C- Goat Girl

Red Flags: 

* Seriously, why does little Liz want to hug those goats so badly!? This could be any number of issues…

* Family friend talks about Goat Girl as she continues trying to seduce friendship from livestock with zero reaction from parents and/or nearby children- reasoning tells us this has happened before (no bueno)….

Exhibit D- Lone Tricycle Ranger

Red Flags:

* It’s Xmas and little Liz attempts off-roading, on her new tricycle, in the snow- Basic Physics? Holiday Joy?

* Younger sibling could give 2 f*cks about anyone/thing, except kitten- Animal abuser potential? Will this boy be a serial killer if nobody intervenes? 

* Post accident, Girl acts as if wiping out painfully is nbd, then appears to forget which part of her body was hurt- Missing nerve endings? Adrenaline junkie? Accident prone Insurance issues to come?

Exhibit E- Tiny Dancer (where’s your rhythm?) 

Red Flags:

* The young, Fabulously Awkward Girl, has no idea what she’s doing, even after months of practice-WARNING: This is most likely a 2-left-feet situation & requires IMMEDIATE attention from a professional. 

BELIEVERS THAT CHILDREN ARE OUR FUTURE: study these videos so you’ll know a few of the traits that could possibly result in adult abnormalities, such as Chronic-Bitch-Face, Sarcasm, “Most of the Population isn’t Bright” Attitude, Awkwardness, ETC.

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Goat Girl made Goat Friends after all…what a freak.

Summary- my childhood was the AMAZING, partly because of the 2 hilarious boy siblings featured, & am just a stereotypically over-imaginative middle child, who grew up to be a hilarious Blogger

ALSO- PEOPLE WITH CHILD[ren]: STOP POSTING SONOGRAMS, URINE SAMPLE PREGNANCY TESTS, & HOURLY UPDATES ON SOCIAL MEDIA. Thankssssss- xx

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